Her Husband Died and She’s Spent All the Money He Left!

Question: Allana, my cousin lost her husband 5 years ago. He was a wonderful man and made sure that if anything ever happened to him (he died in a car crash), his family was taken care of.  Fast forward 5 years later, she just moved out of the house they shared for 13 years because she could no longer keep up with the mortgage payments! He left her enough money to take care of that house, the kids, and herself.

Instead of working, she just blew all of the money and now has to live with my Aunt. I am trying not to judge but I just can’t see the rational. I feel as if she just pissed all over his intent and if he could see where she was now, he would be heartbroken. Am I being too judgy or am I missing something?

Answer: First I’m so sorry your cousin lost her husband. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be to go through and move forward with her kids and her life.

I’m also impressed at how well he set them up. I can’t imagine how it would be even harder on her had he not been so responsible.

I also completely understand your frustration that she’s ‘blown through’ all the money and is now living with your aunt. One would think five years is long enough for her to grieve her loss and get her life back together moving forward in a financially responsible way.

Here’s the thing though, we aren’t her.

We are not going through what she is going through.

We don’t know what it’s like when she wakes up at 3 a.m. in the morning.

We don’t know what it’s like to look in her children’s eyes everyday.

I’m not saying her behaviors to go through all the money and let go of the house and move in with your Aunt is the highest choice, I’m just saying we don’t have a leg to stand on to judge anyone else when we haven’t walked a day in their shoes.

It’s curious being a counselor for the past two decades. It would seem the smallest of challenges are insurmountable for some people, and the most traumatic tragic unspeakable challenges are a catalyst for other people to evolve and strengthen into their best selves.

Our point of view… creates our reality. I personally choose and I counsel my clients to see everything as FOR us and nothing against us. I invite my clients to see the gift and lesson and message and opportunity in every challenge so that latent qualities inside them such as strength, compassion, forgiveness and grit can emerge.

I wish your cousin had called me for healing and coaching five years ago. Yet it’s never too late to turn one’s life around so I encourage you to introduce my work to her. And I encourage you to do your best to let go of your judgment. You don’t have to condone her behavior, just stop judging her. You can still hope she makes more empowering choices and bless her journey. Yet do your best to let go of being superior, more knowing or condescending.

Everyone acts according to their values.

Everyone is doing their best.

One of the quickest ways to do this is to recognize where we have done the very thing we are judging in another.

Perhaps you didn’t spend an entire inheritance in five years, but maybe you did spend money in what you would consider a wasteful way… And it’s time to forgive yourself?

I know whenever someone pisses me off.. it’s generally because they’re showing me where I haven’t taken responsibility for something and either taken action, or forgiven myself… or both.

Know that I’m here to support you or your cousin. We really are creating our reality and it’s my honor to support people in a non-judgmental and unconditionally loving way 🙂

All my love XOX